every time we touch
by splendidlyimperfect
Summary: An accidental hair-pulling incident during a fistfight leaves both Gray and Natsu with uncomfortable feelings about each other than neither of them are willing to face. But when Gray slips into depression and stops taking care of himself, Natsu has to step up, and they're both forced to face the questions they don't want to answer.
1. Chapter 1

The first time Gray pulls Natsu's hair while they're brawling in the guild, it costs Natsu the fight. He ends up with frostbite, a bloody nose, and an incredibly uncomfortable hardness in his pants that makes his cheeks go pink.

Luckily, Gray doesn't notice, and the next time they fight, Natsu gives him a black eye. Erza kicks both of their asses for it, but it's completely worth it because Natsu's in control again. It was just a one-time thing. Gray's stupid and his face is stupid and Natsu absolutely does _not_ have a crush on him.

* * *

Gray's not an idiot – he sees the flush on Natsu's cheeks when his fingers are tangled in that ridiculous pink hair. He doesn't expect it to be enough of a distraction to actually get the upper hand for once, but giving Natsu a bloody nose is satisfying.

What _isn't_ satisfying is the dream Gray has later that night. In it, he's tangled together with Natsu, but neither of them is wearing clothes, and Natsu's cheeks are the same color as his hair as Gray pulls on it.

Gray leaves for a solo job the next day because he can't look Natsu in the eye after that. He's sure that after a week apart, the dreams will stop, because Natsu is ridiculous, and Gray is _absolutely_ not falling for him.

* * *

It takes Natsu several years and hundreds more fights – none with hair-pulling, thank gods – for him to admit that it's maybe, remotely, minutely possible that he might sort of, kind of like Gray. _Like_ like him, that is. He already considers Gray his best friend, despite how often they insult each other.

Natsu ignores the feelings for a few more months because if he's is good at anything, it's avoiding things like this. But then Gray tries to kill himself on Galuna Island, and Natsu can't pretend anymore. When Gray falls to his knees after watching the ice melt into the sea, Natsu kneels down beside him and pulls him close.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. He expects Gray to pull away, but instead Gray turns in Natsu's arms and presses his face to Natsu's chest as his shoulders shake. Natsu's never seen Gray cry before – not even when he broke his leg when he was ten and the bone stuck out of the skin.

Seeing Gray like this hurts Natsu in a way he never thought it would. He's not sure what to do, so he runs his fingers through Gray's hair and kisses the top of his head and tells him everything's going to be okay.

* * *

Everything isn't okay, and Gray loses himself for a bit after that. He can't get back to normal – whatever normal is, anyway. The world is too loud and too big, and it's hard to live in it. He has nightmares almost every day; dark, bloody ones about demons and fire and bones and broken bodies.

Gray's sparring with Natsu when it finally catches up to him. He's dizzy and exhausted and his arms are too heavy, and by the time Natsu's fire hits him in the chest, it's too late for him to block.

"Gray!" Natsu's voice is sharp and panicked, and Gray feels a spark of relief when strong arms catch him before he hits the ground. Natsu's face is drawn in worry, and it swims in and out of Gray's vision. "Why the hell didn't you block that?"

"'m tired," Gray mumbles, blinking slowly as everything starts to fade. Natsu's hands hover over him uncertainly, and his lips are moving but Gray can't hear him because everything is fading away until all that's left is black.

* * *

"He's an idiot," Natsu grumbles as Wendy runs her hands over the burns on Gray's chest. It's not raw and blistered anymore, just pale white marks that fill Natsu's chest with guilt. "Is he sick or something?"

"No, but he is exhausted," Wendy says, putting her hand on Gray's forehead. "We should take him to the infirmary." They're at Natsu's house – it's the closest place to where they'd been sparring by the river, and while Natsu is strong, unconscious Gray is heavy.

"I can take care of him," Natsu says softly. He ignores Wendy's curious look and shifts closer to the bed, reaching out and brushing Gray's hair out of his face. The ends of it are singed and Natsu sighs.

When Wendy leaves, Natsu settles down on the bed next to Gray. "What's going on with you, Snowflake?" he murmurs. Gray's face is pale and drawn, and Natsu brushes his fingers over the dark circles under Gray's eyes. "You're so goddamn stubborn."

The feelings that Natsu's been trying so hard to run away from keep pushing through his defenses, and he groans, tipping his head back and looking at the ceiling.

"I don't like him," he mutters, shifting until he's lying down on the bed beside Gray. He keeps a hand on Gray's arm – to make sure he's okay while they sleep, that's all. "He's an idiot. I'm just taking care of him 'cause he's too dumb to know when to quit."

The words hang in the air, and even Natsu can't bring himself to believe them.

* * *

Gray wakes slowly. The first few times consciousness tugs at him, he ignores it, pulling himself further back into sleep. It's warm and safe here, with no nightmares to tear him apart.

When he finally decides to open his eyes, he's met by a blurry vision of pink hair and the sound of someone humming.

"Hey, you." Natsu's voice is gentle, and Gray blinks a few times, rubbing his eyes. He's disoriented, but eventually realizes that he's lying with his head in Natsu's lap, and Natsu's fingers are combing through his hair. "How're you feeling?"

Gray doesn't answer, just closes his eyes again, sighing at the sensation. It's so different from their usual touch – gentle and kind and grounding.

"I was worried about you," Natsu says, tucking Gray's hair behind his ear. "Why didn't you tell me something was wrong?"

Gray frowns, peeking up at Natsu. The soft, open expression on his face – even upside-down – is unfamiliar. "Who are you," Gray asks, voice hoarse, "and what did you do with Natsu?"

"Har, har," Natsu says, flicking Gray's forehead. "Don't dodge the question."

"'m fine," Gray insists, and he wants to pull away from Natsu's hands to prove it, but he can't. He's too tired.

"You've been asleep for three days, idiot," Natsu says. Gray looks around and realizes that they're in Natsu's house – in Natsu's bed. The knowledge makes his cheeks hot, and he tries once again to pull away. "Stop that," Natsu says softly.

"Why are you being nice to me?" Gray asks, giving up and flopping back into Natsu's lap. Everything feels heavy and he can barely keep his eyes open.

"'cause you're too dumb to be nice to yourself," Natsu says, and when he combs his fingers through Gray's hair again, he runs his thumbs back behind Gray's ears. The touch is so gentle and sweet that it makes Gray want to cry.

"You don't have to take care of me," he mumbles, covering his face with his hands to hide his burning cheeks. Natsu laughs, but it's not taunting or mocking or challenging. It's soft and fond, and it makes Gray's stomach do uncomfortable things.

"Go back to sleep," Natsu says, and Gray's too tired to argue. He closes his eyes and drifts off to the reassuring feel of Natsu's fingers brushing through his hair.


	2. Chapter 2

By the time the burns on Gray's chest heal, he and Natsu are back to fighting again. There's something softer about it, though. The taunts and flying fists are tempered by an undercurrent of affection that Gray struggles to understand. Part of him hates it – he doesn't want things to change. Natsu's been constant and predictable since the day they met, and when his gaze occasionally turns soft instead of challenging, Gray's not sure what to do with it.

He usually ends up punching the look off Natsu's face.

The three days of sleep – four, really, if you count the hours that Gray spent with his head in Natsu's lap, drifting in and out of dreams – help a bit. Gray will never admit it, but when he's having trouble falling asleep by himself, he sometimes closes his eyes and lets himself pretend he's with Natsu again, with gentle fingers combing through his hair.

* * *

Natsu finally admits he's in love with Gray two months later, when he's lying on his back in the middle of a ruined town, halfway through a fight and trying to catch his breath. He pushes himself up on his elbows and wipes blood from the corner of his lip, surveying the scene. It's a mess. Erza's a blur of swords, Lucy's glowing with some sort of celestial light, and Gray...

Gray's standing in the wreckage of a building, surrounded by debris, blood on his forehead, hands held out in the form Natsu's so familiar with. Sunlight glints off the broken glass on the ground around him, and for a second it seems like he's glowing. Sweat runs down his shaking chest – of course he's lost his shirt already, and Natsu's really not complaining.

_Shit,_ Natsu thinks, something stirring in his stomach as he watches Gray's ice slam through the monster in front of him, then dissolve into a flurry of snowflakes that sparkle around him. He looks wild and fierce, and Natsu suddenly really, really wants to push him up against the nearest wall and kiss him until neither of them can breathe.

Then the dust settles and Gray stumbles forward, dropping to his knees. It's just like the day by the river, and panic courses through Natsu as he shoves himself to his feet and starts to run. He shouts Gray's name, skidding across gravel and debris, and he just barely manages to get between him and the fist that's flying his way.

Natsu makes short work of the monster, then turns to Gray, breathing heavily. Gray's staring up at him, mouth slightly open, gaze soft and confused. It looks like he's not sure whether to be appreciative or angry.

"C'mon," Natsu says gently, reaching out for Gray's hand. Then something sharp and heavy hits the back of his head, and he's too busy trying to cling to consciousness to think about Gray.

* * *

Despite the fact that Natsu isn't hurt that badly, Gray can't keep his eyes off the slow rise and fall of Natsu's chest as he sleeps next to the campfire. Wendy heals up the wound on the back of his head, but Natsu's hair is still sticky with blood and there's a dark bruise forming on the left side of his jaw.

"Idiot," Gray mutters under his breath, poking at the fire with a stick and trying his best to ignore the ache in his chest. This is his fault.

"He'll be okay," Wendy says, settling down next to Gray.

"I know," Gray says, trying to focus on the dying embers that burn out in the dirt. His stomach twists and his cheeks are hot, and it's not just from the fire. "He's stupid."

_And I'm not worth it,_ he thinks.

"Gray," Wendy says gently, but he shakes his head and stands up, tossing his stick into the fire.

"I gotta..." He trails off, turning away from the fire and storming off into the woods. When he gets far enough away, he slams his fist into a tree trunk, trying to focus on the pain of his split knuckles instead of whatever the hell's going on in his chest.

It's stupid. He's stupid. Feelings are stupid and dangerous and if Gray can't get his shit together, Natsu's gonna keep getting hurt.

Gray sees the way Natsu looks at him, and it hurts because Gray wants to be the person that Natsu thinks he is. But he's not. Natsu is the sun and Gray's just a wildfire that burns down all the good around him.

He hits the tree again, gasping at the sharp pain. When he looks back, he can't even see the campfire anymore.

Good.

Gray gazes up at the stars spilled across the sky, then turns west and starts walking toward home.

* * *

When Natsu wakes up the next day to find out that Gray left in the middle of the night, he just sighs and flops onto his back, staring up at the soft pink remains of the sunrise.

"He's an idiot," Natsu grumbles, rubbing his face. Lucy gives Natsu an unimpressed look and nudges his leg with her foot.

"That's what he says about you," she says. Her brow furrows in concern. "Is he okay?"

Natsu sits up, shaking his head and staring at the remains of the campfire. "How the hell should I know?" he says bitterly. "He's too goddamn stubborn to ask for help."

* * *

Halfway to Magnolia, Gray turns and walks the other way. Part of him wants to go home, wants to curl up in his bed and try to fucking sleep because he's so goddamn tired. But no matter how exhausted he is, every time he closes his eyes, it's blood and fire and screams.

Fucking Lyon. Gray was doing fine before all his bullshit.

Now he's not fine – he's the farthest fucking thing from fine – but maybe if he runs far enough away, it'll get better.

* * *

When they finally get back to town, Natsu immediately heads to Gray's house to beat some sense into him, but Gray isn't there. In fact, it smells like Gray hasn't been here in weeks. At this point, Natsu's concern overrides his respect for Gray's space, so he breaks in the back window and searches the apartment.

It looks like it's been deserted. There's no food in the fridge, the bed hasn't been touched, and there's a thin layer of dust on the countertop.

"Tell Lucy and Erza I'm going to find him," Natsu tells Happy once they're back outside again. He's angry at himself – he should have gone after Gray as soon as he'd left the camp. One of them has to be mature and responsible, and it's definitely not Gray right now.

"Is Gray okay?" Happy asks, eyes wide and sad.

Natsu sighs. "No," he says, staring down the path away from the guild. "No, he's not."

* * *

A week after Gray storms away from the camp, Natsu finds him.

The first words out of Natsu's mouth are, "What the hell were you thinking?"

"Fuck off," Gray replies. There's a part of him that's so happy to see Natsu that he feels like crying, and another part that screams _go away, go away, please._

"Nope," Natsu replies, crossing his arms and staring down at Gray, who is leaning back against the tree by a river. "I walked all the way out here to find your stupid ass."

"I didn't ask you to."

"You didn't have to."

Gray looks up at Natsu, hoping that he doesn't look as shitty as he feels. He must, because Natsu's expression quickly shifts from angry to something else that Gray thinks might be pity, but he's not sure.

"You're my friend," Natsu says, voice softer than it was a moment ago. "I care about you."

"Don't," Gray says, shaking his head and pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes. "Please, I can't..."

"Can't what?" Natsu asks, and then he's right there, crouched down in front of Gray, hand on Gray's knee. Before Gray realizes what he's done, ice slams into Natsu's chest and he's on his ass next to the riverbank.

"I don't want to talk about it," Gray chokes out, pushing himself to his feet and bunching his hands into fists. Natsu stands up slowly, giving him a cautious look. "Fuck off or fight me," Gray growls.

Natsu shakes his head, and for a second Gray's too stunned to do anything because Natsu has never backed down from a fight before. But here he is, hands at his sides as he moves closer to Gray.

Gray tenses, bringing up his hands. He can't do this. Natsu's too close and Gray just wants to touch him, wants Natsu to hold him like he did before so Gray can just fucking feel something other than this exhaustion that's slowly killing him. But he can't because Natsu will get hurt again and Gray loves him.

_Fuck._

"C'mon," Natsu says gently. "I don't wanna fight you."

* * *

"I do!" Gray shouts, shoving Natsu and scowling at him.

"I don't want to hurt you again," Natsu says, and Gray's expression darkens even further.

"As if you could," he says, but the words lack conviction.

"I already did," Natsu says, reaching out and pressing his hand to Gray's bare chest. Even with Wendy's healing, Natsu can still feel the ridges of the scars his burns left behind. He sighs. "What's going on?"

Gray stills, and his heartbeat picks up under Natsu's fingertips, skipping out of rhythm as he takes a shaky breath. He doesn't push Natsu this time, and when Natsu takes another step closer, he doesn't try to pull away.

"C'mon," Natsu says, keeping his voice soft. He can hear the hitch in Gray's breath, feel Gray's chest trembling beneath his fingertips. "Nobody else is here. It's just me." He slowly brings his other hand up to touch Gray's clenched fist. "Talk to me."

Gray exhales, then relaxes his hand until Natsu can take it and squeeze it gently. "I can't sleep," he mumbles after a minute, so quietly that Natsu can barely hear it. "I…" Gray shakes his head. "'s stupid."

"Are you having nightmares?" Natsu rubs his thumb over the back of Gray's hand. Gray nods reluctantly. "Why didn't you say something?"

"'cause I can deal with it," Gray says, and Natsu immediately feels the walls sliding back into place around him. "It's my problem."

"Don't," Natsu says quickly before Gray can shut himself off again. "Please, don't do this. You don't have to be embarrassed."

"I'm…" Gray sighs, rubbing his face. "I'm fine, just—"

"No, you aren't," Natsu insists.

Gray tenses again and Natsu studies him uncertainly. Gray's like a wild cat, twitchy and unpredictable, ready to bite if Natsu pushes too hard. Usually patience is the key, but Gray just keeps getting worse, and Natsu can't watch him self-destruct.

"C'mere," he says softly, and then moves his hand from Gray's chest up to the back of his neck. For a second, it seems like Gray might push him away. Instead he gives in, slumping forward and pressing his forehead to Natsu's shoulder as Natsu runs his fingers through Gray's hair.

"You're not okay," Natsu says softly, pulling Gray close. "But you don't have to be."


	3. Chapter 3

_TW for discussion of death and self-harming behaviors_

* * *

The touch undoes Gray. Every muscle in his body lets go at once and he stumbles forward, cheeks burning when Natsu's arm wraps around his waist and holds him close.

"I'm fine," he whispers again, but he can't pull away. Natsu is warm, and his heart beats against Gray's, steady and reassuring.

"It's okay," Natsu says again, combing his fingers through Gray's hair. The wall Gray has built around the terrified anger in his chest starts to crumble, and Gray squeezes his eyes shut when he feels tears pushing at them. He can't cry. Not now.

"I…"

There are words, but they're lost in the sob that breaks out of Gray's chest. It's loud and aching and he wishes he could hold it in, but he's so fucking tired and Natsu is warm and safe.

"It's okay," Natsu says, and his voice is right next to Gray's ear, breath hot against Gray's skin. "I've got you." He runs his fingers through Gray's hair, drawing out more tears with each gentle pass of his hand. "I'm here," he says, and Gray gives in entirely.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, pressing his face to Natsu's chest as the tears fall and fall, hot and quick and filled with regret. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" Natsu asks gently.

"I can't," Gray whispers, shaking his head as the jumbled images start to race through his mind again. It's the same, every time, and he can't change it. Every fucking time he has to watch them die, over and over, the screams and smoke and so much blood.

* * *

"I killed her."

The words are barely a whisper, but they're followed by a loud, wracking sob that makes Natsu's chest ache because he knows exactly what Gray is talking about. "It wasn't your—"

"It was," Gray insists, and his hands tighten on Natsu's shirt until his knuckles are nearly white. "I shouldn't have… and she…" The words tumble out between choked sobs that Natsu can tell Gray is trying desperately to hold in. "All of them, I—and I can see it, all the time, and I th-thought I… but h-he, he said…"

"Breathe, Snowflake," Natsu says gently. Gray's shaking in his arms, gasping for breaths he can't quite pull in, and Natsu runs a hand up and down his back. "It's okay."

"It's not," Gray insists, and then he's falling to his knees, dragging Natsu down to the ground with him. He tries to pull away at first, but Natsu shakes his head and grips Gray's arm tightly, shifting back against the tree.

"You're right, it's not okay right now," he says as he maneuvers Gray between his legs and guides him down so he's lying on Natsu's chest. Gray tenses for only a second before letting out a deep, shuddering breath and pressing his face into Natsu's shirt. "But it can be."

"It _hurts," _Gray whispers, gripping Natsu's shirt as he cries. "I miss them so much."

"I know," Natsu says, wrapping both arms around Gray and pulling him close. "I know you do. But it wasn't your fault, okay? Doesn't matter what Lyon said."

"I was so _stupid," _Gray insists between shaky breaths. "A-and so… I was so sure I could do it. I thought if I did it, if I killed the demon and it was over, maybe it would stop."

"That what would stop?" Natsu asks, even though he's pretty sure he already knows the answer.

Gray hiccups around a sob, then mumbles something that sounds like_ dreams_. There's a damp spot spreading across Natsu's shirt, and he's starting to suspect that Gray has never talked about this before.

"Dreams about your parents?" Natsu asks, as gently as possible.

Gray doesn't answer at first. He rubs his face with the back of his hand and takes a few shaky breaths, then squeezes his eyes shut. "There was—it was just on fire, everything, all the—the houses and m-my school, and the store, and it…" He swallows as tears streak down his cheeks again. "It was so loud," he whispers. "P-people screaming and everything breaking, and I was so scared."

Natsu makes a sad sound and rests his cheek against the top of Gray's head. "How old were you?" he asks.

"Eight," Gray says.

* * *

The memories ache. Gray's kept them for so long, surrounded by fear and anger and so much guilt, and now they're spilling out of him and he can't stop it. It's an avalanche – heavy and cold and terrifying – and he can barely breathe.

"My mom… she…" The words are broken glass in his throat, and he can smell the smoke, the suffocating scent of burning flesh and charred bone. "There was so much blood," Gray whispers. "I didn't—I couldn't move, and she wouldn't wake up, she was gone and it was so loud and I was so scared, and papa told me to—to run, but I couldn't leave her, I couldn't…"

The tears are relentless, ten years' worth of guilt and loneliness spilling out of him, and for a moment Gray wonders if it's possible to die from grief.

"I couldn't," he whispers.

Natsu pulls him closer – if that's even possible at this point – and kisses the top of his head, rubbing his thumb across Gray's shoulder. "I'm sorry," he murmurs against Gray's hair. "I'm so, so sorry."

Gray can't stop crying. Another sob rips through him, pulling the air out of his chest. He couldn't breathe then, and he can't breathe now.

"When they found me, I…" The words are stuck in his throat and he chokes on them, shoulders curling in as he tries to speak. "Papa had—he was outside, and… dead and everyone was dead, all of them, and I still couldn't leave her. Ur…"

_Ur. _Her name fractures something else inside of Gray, and suddenly he's crying harder, shoulders shaking as he pictures her face. _I sealed away your darkness. _She hadn't, though. All Gray has is darkness.

Natsu brushes Gray's hair out of his face, tucking it behind his ear as he listens. "It was a—a few days later," Gray says, rubbing at his face and trying not to think about how he'd been curled up with his mom just like this, head tucked under her chin, arms wrapped around himself. Except Natsu is alive, and touching him, and nothing's on fire, and Gray doesn't want to die.

* * *

_A few days later. _The words take a second to register to Natsu, but when he realizes what Gray means, his eyes widen. "Oh, Snowflake," he says softly, heart breaking for the little boy who had lost everything.

"Ur took me with her," Gray chokes out. "And I hated her so much. I hated both of them – her and Lyon – because they left my mom and my papa behind and took me away."

Natsu closes his eyes against his own tears that hit him like a blow to the chest. He remembers the first time he met Gray, when Natsu had been young and scared and tried to hide it by picking a fight with the first person who'd looked at him funny. Gray had hit him right back with a ferocity that had surprised Natsu, staring at his flames as if he'd been—

"Scared," Natsu whispers. Gray doesn't respond, but Natsu feels the grip on his shirt tighten. "You were—when we met, my magic…" The memory is clear, suddenly – Gray's tight fists and wide eyes as Natsu's fists sparked with flames. "The fire. Fuck, I'm sorry."

"You didn't know," Gray says, voice hoarse. "Nobody did."

"Not even Gramps?"

Gray shakes his head. "He knew that Ur… died. But not that it was my fa—"

"It wasn't." Natsu's voice is firm and he squeezes Gray's arm where he's been running this thumb up and down it. "Gray, you were eight years old."

"But I didn't _listen," _Gray says, and the pain in his voice hurts Natsu in a way nothing ever has before. "She—they both told me, and I said… I said…" Natsu waits patiently, trying to ignore the tears slipping down his own cheeks. Eventually Gray whispers, "I told her that if I died, it would be her fault. But she died, and it was my fault."

Natsu shakes his head. "You were just a little kid," he says.

"I was so angry," Gray manages through another round of tears. "And I thought… if I could do it, if I could be strong enough and brave enough, then nobody else would have to watch… would have to s-sit with their mom while she died."

His voice breaks on the last word and he twists in Natsu's arms. At first Natsu thinks he's trying to pull away, but then he realizes that Gray is curling closer, pressing his face to Natsu's shoulder, letting Natsu hold him while he falls apart.

"But I wasn't strong," Gray sobs. "I wasn't strong enough and she… she died saving me too, and I don't understand _why_. She should have hated me. I was so ungrateful, and angry, and talked back to her all the time. I kept running away, trying to go back home even though it was just this—there was nothing left."

"Gray," Natsu says gently, holding Gray as tightly as possible. "You were a little kid. It wasn't your fault, and I'm going to keep telling you that until you believe me."

Gray shivers in Natsu's arms and Natsu suddenly realizes that the sun has nearly set, and a cool breeze has picked up along the river. He shifts under Gray just enough to unwind his scarf from around his neck, then drapes it over Gray's shoulders.

"No, y-you—" Gray tries to push the scarf away, but Natsu reaches down and grabs both Gray's wrists, holding Gray's hands between his.

"Don't push me away," he says, shaking his head. "Please. This is killing you."

"I'm fi—"

"I swear to god, if you say you're fine one more time…" Natsu sighs, slipping his hands into Gray's and rubbing his thumbs over the back of Gray's hands. "You're not fine. You can't keep this up; you're hurting yourself."

"But I hurt _you," _Gray says, looking down at their joined hands and tugging at them half-heartedly. "I always—the people I…" He swallows. "They always get hurt."

"You didn't hurt me," Natsu says, shaking his head. "I chose to get between you and that monster. That wasn't your fault. I was worried about you and wanted to keep you safe."

"You shouldn't _have _to keep me safe," Gray says, face crumpling as he tries to pull away again. "I should be strong enough. I have to be, because I can't… I…" He looks up at Natsu with wide, terrified eyes. "I can't lose you, too."

* * *

Gray immediately looks away from Natsu, cheeks burning as he realizes what he's said. He's so fucking stupid, and this is everything he didn't want. He left to keep Natsu safe, not to drag him down with sentiment and regret.

He's about to pull away – for real this time – when Natsu's fingers brush his chin. The touch is soft and barely there, but then Natsu's thumb runs up Gray's cheek, across the blotchy mess of tears, and Gray can't move.

"Gray," Natsu says gently, and Gray's never heard Natsu say his name like that before. It makes the ache in his chest start to feel like sparks instead. "Hey, look at me."

Gray shakes his head stubbornly and Natsu sighs, brushing the sweaty, sticky strands of hair out of Gray's face. Gray's not crying anymore, but his skin feels hot and tight, and he's still struggling to breathe.

"You're hurting yourself," Natsu says. "Let me help you."

"You shouldn't—"

"I know I don't have to," Natsu interrupts. "I want to. I care about you, and I hate watching you self-destruct like this."

_Don't care about me. I'm not worth it. It's dangerous. I'd never forgive myself if you got hurt because I love you and—_

"Gray." Natsu moves his hand to the back of Gray's neck and runs his thumb up behind Gray's ear, tipping Gray's head up until they're looking at each other. His gaze is so intense that the air between them feels like it might catch fire, and Gray's breath catches in his throat. Right now, there's nothing in the world but the two of them, and Gray's not sure if he wants to run as far as he can or fall into this headfirst.

Luckily, Natsu makes the decision for him.

"I can't lose you, either," Natsu says, then pulls Gray close and kisses him.


	4. Chapter 4

_TW for panic attack and very brief mention of suicidal thoughts_

* * *

It takes a second for Gray to realize that Natsu is kissing him. Suddenly, the ache in his chest is battling with a low, thrumming sensation in his stomach. He exhales sharply, and when Natsu moves to pull away, Gray quickly reaches up and wraps a hand around the back of his neck.

"Please," Gray whispers, and he's not sure exactly what he's asking for. "Please, I need..."

"I know," Natsu says, running both hands up into Gray's hair. His voice is low and rough and Gray suddenly realizes that Natsu's crying too. "I know."

Then he's kissing Gray again, hot and desperate, thumb rubbing the ache out of Gray's temple as his other hand tucks Gray's hair gently behind his ear. Gray can't help the small, frantic sounds that flood out of him as he runs his fingers down Natsu's arm and grips his hand.

"Hey," Natsu murmurs against Gray's lips. He tries to pull back again and Gray's fingers tighten around the back of his neck.

"I can't—please don't—"

"I'm not going anywhere," Natsu reassures him, rubbing his thumb across the back of Gray's hand. "I'm right here." He presses his forehead to Gray's, and despite the fact that they're touching almost everywhere else, the small gesture feels almost too intimate. It's terrifying, and Gray suddenly sits up, tugging at his hand and rubbing his face as a hot, dizzying flush creeps up the back of his neck.

"Gray," Natsu says gently, refusing to let go of his hand. Gray's never heard Natsu say his name like that. Everything is going blurry, the air around him suddenly far too hot. "Gray, look at me."

"I can't," Gray chokes out, "I can't, and—it's not... there's..."

"Breathe, Snowflake," Natsu says, taking Gray's hand and pressing it to his chest. His heart thrums under Gray's fingertips, wild and erratic and so alive. "C'mon, breathe with me."

Natsu's scarf is still around Gray's shoulders and it itches, like pieces of broken glass dragging against his skin. He tries to pull it off, but he can't feel his hands.

"Deep breaths," Natsu murmurs, chest rising and falling under Gray's fingertips. "You're okay. It's just you and me here, you're safe."

Natsu's voice is soft and low as he runs his hand through Gray's hair. Gray remembers hearing him talk like this once, only once, to a little girl who'd been caught in the crossfire of two warring dark guilds. She'd been hiding in a house that was about to collapse, and Natsu had surprised everyone by crouching down and coaxing her gently into his arms.

Gray's in Natsu's arms now, and he wants to feel safe, but he's too hot and his skin is itching and the sound of Natsu's voice is drowned out by the roaring in his ears. Everything's blurry and he's sweating, and he can't breathe and—

"Gray!" Natsu's voice breaks through the panic and Gray lets out a sharp gasp as he looks down at their joined hands. Frost stretches from Gray's fingers up over Natsu's arms, making pretty white patterns against his dark brown skin.

"Shit," Gray breathes, trying to pull the magic back. It doesn't listen to him, though, and it's like he's eight again, ice exploding around him and shattering the windows of Ur's cabin because he can't stop crying. "Fuck, shit, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Natsu reassures him, pushing a bit of his own magic against Gray's until the ice melts and his skin is damp instead of frozen. Gray stares at the wisps of steam that rise up around them, following the complicated patterns as he tries his best to keep breathing.

* * *

Gray's still shaking, but he's breathing now, and Natsu pulls him close in relief, kissing the top of his head. "You're okay," he says softly. "We're okay."

All the terrified tension in Gray's body seems to melt away as he slumps against Natsu, letting go of Natsu's hand and wrapping an arm around him instead. Gray's fingers clutch at the fabric of Natsu's shirt like it's the only thing keeping him here.

"'m sorry," he mumbles, but Natsu shakes his head. They're touching everywhere, now, and Natsu's afraid to let go. Gray's shivering, even with Natsu's natural heat and the scarf draped around his shoulders.

"We should find somewhere to sleep," Natsu says gently. He could keep them warm with his magic; he learned a long time ago to make flames that didn't hurt. But with Gray so far gone in his memories, it's probably not the best idea.

Gray seems like he might argue for a second, but then he slowly nods against Natsu's chest. "I don't even know where we are," he admits quietly.

"There's a town pretty close to here," Natsu says. "You think you can walk?" He's expecting a grumpy remark or sarcastic comment, but instead Gray just presses his face against Natsu's chest.

"'m tired."

"I know," Natsu says, running his fingers through Gray's hair again. "When was the last time you slept?"

Gray doesn't answer, and Natsu sighs. "C'mon," he says, gently nudging Gray off him so he can stand up. He takes Gray's hand and pulls him to his feet, refusing to let go. He's terrified that if he doesn't hold on, Gray will run away again.

Gray looks like he's going to fall over, so Natsu turns around and pulls Gray close. "Up," he says, motioning for Gray to get onto his back. Gray makes a quiet, unconvincing sound of protest, but then his arms are wrapped around Natsu's neck and his forehead's pressed to Natsu's shoulder.

Natsu looks up at the sky, quickly finding north and making a mental map of the area. Then he turns toward the town and starts walking, carrying Gray through the night.

* * *

Gray wakes up slowly surrounded by a comfortable warmth. He yawns, rubbing his face and squinting around the unfamiliar room. Then he looks down at the arm wrapped around his waist and realizes that he's not alone in the bed.

_Oh. _

Gray stills. His shirt must have ridden up at some point during the night, and Natsu's hand is splayed across his bare stomach. Every time he moves, Gray shivers, unconsciously pressing back against Natsu's warmth. He drops his hand down to cover Natsu's, torn between sliding their fingers together, or pushing Natsu off him.

"Don't even think about trying to run away." Natsu's sleepy voice is muffled against the back of Gray's neck, and he adds, "And don't pretend that's not what you were gonna do."

"I wasn't—"

"Gray." Natsu pulls him closer. "I know you."

Gray lets out a shaky breath, giving in and dropping his hand onto Natsu's. His face feels hot, his skin is tight and uncomfortable, and he suddenly really, really wants a shower.

"'m not gonna go anywhere," he insists, tugging at Natsu's arm until Natsu relents enough for him to roll onto his back. Yesterday's breakdown is slowly coming back to him, and he covers his face with both hands, groaning with embarrassment.

He'd told Natsu. He'd talked about his mom. He'd cried in Natsu's fucking arms, which is just…

"Shit," he mumbles.

Natsu sighs, pushing himself up until he's sitting cross-legged on the bed next to Gray. A charged silence fills the air between them, and Gray's not sure what to do with it. A thousand thoughts race through his mind, twisting together so he can't separate them and focus on one thing at a time. He grips the blanket tighter as the familiar panic starts to swell in his chest again.

Natsu's soft, uncertain voice breaks through Gray's racing thoughts. "Were you going to come back?" Gray looks up at Natsu, frowning, and the ache in his chest intensifies at the sorrowful expression on Natsu's face. "To the guild," Natsu clarifies. "To us. To… to me?"

Gray wants to say _yes. _He wants to promise Natsu that he wasn't going to disappear, that he wasn't thinking about ending everything because he just can't fucking do this anymore. "I..." He can't lie to Natsu. "I don't know."

* * *

A piece of Natsu's heart cracks at the uncertainty in Gray's voice, at the way he won't quite meet Natsu's eyes.

"Gray," he says gently. Gray stares down at his hands, expression somewhere between heartbroken and exhausted, and Natsu suddenly can't think of a single reason why he's never told Gray how he feels. All the denial and name-calling and thinking about kissing Gray but hitting him instead – it all feels so insignificant next to Gray's pain.

He reaches out and takes Gray's hand.

"I'm sorry," Gray whispers, and he tugs half-heartedly against Natsu's grip.

"Don't," Natsu says, squeezing Gray's fingers and bringing his other hand up to brush Gray's hair out of his face. "Please don't push me away."

"I don't want you to get hurt," Gray whispers, voice so quiet that Natsu can barely hear it. "I… I can't…" Natsu sighs, shifting closer and pulling Gray into his arms.

"Loving people is scary," he says softly. "I get it. I loved Igneel more than I loved anything in the world, and he disappeared, and for the longest time I thought it was because of me. Maybe I didn't love him hard enough, or I did something wrong, or if I'd just been better or smarter or…"

Gray shakes his head against Natsu's shoulder. "It wasn't your fault," he insists.

"And it wasn't yours, either," Natsu says, kissing Gray's forehead. "What happened to you, to your parents, to Ur…" He trails off, running his hand up and down Gray's back. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can't imagine how awful it must have been."

Gray doesn't say anything, but he doesn't pull away, either, which Natsu takes as a good sign. They sit in silence for a while as the late afternoon sun pushes its way through the curtains and the sound of the city spills in through the open window. Gray's breathing is calm and steady against Natsu, and for a moment, Natsu thinks Gray might have fallen back asleep.

Then Gray says, very quietly, "You kissed me."

Natsu can't help the laugh that escapes him as he holds Gray closer. "Yeah," he says softly. "I did."

* * *

Gray frowns, pulling back and studying Natsu's face. He'd expected Natsu to deny it, or at the least get flustered, but his gaze stays on Gray, strong and steady. Gray can't look away, even when his stomach twists like he's in free-fall and his hands start to tremble.

"Why?" Gray asks. The question makes him wince as soon as it's between them because it feels needy and desperate, but Natsu doesn't laugh.

"Because I wanted to," he says quietly. "I, uh… have for a while."

"Oh," Gray says, and he's pretty sure he should say something else, but he's not sure he can be honest the way Natsu is. Yesterday was already so much, and there's a messy tangle of feelings in the space where Gray normally keeps his calm.

"I'm tired of pretending," Natsu says after a moment. "It's been… god, years, that I've felt like this, and then you left, and what if I hadn't found you?" He looks at Gray, eyes dark and serious. "That whole week, when I was looking for you – I kept thinking, what if you were dead? What if you—you'd gotten hurt, or you…" Natsu swallows. "And you're here now, and we're both bad at saying this stuff, but I care about you and I want you to be okay."

Natsu's words sink under Gray's skin, soothing the low thrumming sensation that's trying to drive him back to the edge.

"I want to be okay, too," he says.

"Then stop running away," Natsu says, taking Gray hand and squeezing it. "Come back with me. Let me help you. Let other people help you. Please."

Gray sighs, and when Natsu brushes his hair out of his face again, he leans into Natsu's hand. The touch feels good – grounding and real. "I don't know…" Gray groans in frustration. "It's so much. There's so much, and it's just – I can't sleep, and then I can't eat, and I'm so tired all the time, and angry, and everything sets me off and it's all so _much." _

"I know," Natsu says, shifting close to Gray again. "And you just bottle it up, then you either pass out or run away." Gray wants to argue, but he knows Natsu's right. "There are better ways of dealing with your shit."

"Like what?"

"Therapy." Natsu says the word so matter-of-factly, and Gray groans, slumping back onto the pillows. "Yeah, I know." Natsu laughs as he nudges Gray over and settles down beside him. "But wouldn't it be better than this?"

"Dunno," Gray mumbles, shifting closer and resting his head on Natsu's shoulder. "This isn't so bad."

Natsu flicks Gray's ear. "You know what I mean, idiot."

"Mm." Gray sighs deeply, letting the warm contentment of being held by Natsu keep the ache at bay. It feels right, somehow. Safe. "Okay," he says.

"Okay?"

"I'll… try." Gray looks up at Natsu. "Therapy, or… whatever."

"Promise?"

The intensity of Natsu's stare makes Gray's cheeks burn hot, and he reaches out slowly, brushing his fingertips across Natsu's cheek. "Promise," he says softly, tucking a stray piece of hair behind Natsu's ear. Natsu lets out a happy sigh, then tips his head, kissing Gray's palm. Gray inhales sharply at the sensation of Natsu's lips against his skin.

"Sorry," Natsu says quickly as a pink flush creeps into his cheeks. "I didn't mean—I know you're overwhelmed and that probably wasn't the best timi—"

"You talk too much," Gray interrupts, running his fingers into Natsu's hair. Natsu's about to keep arguing when Gray tugs lightly, and the words dissolve into a quiet gasp. "That's better," Gray says, then pulls Natsu in and kisses him.

Everything broken inside Gray slides into place under the gentle pressure of Natsu's lips on his. Natsu's hands find their way to Gray's shoulders and he pulls Gray closer, until they're touching in as many places as possible.

It's perfect and terrifying, and Gray lets himself fall into the feelings he's been pushing away for so long.

"So… years, huh?" Gray asks eventually, trying to keep his voice steady as he tightens his fingers in Natsu's hair again. Natsu makes a sound that's somewhere between a growl and a sigh as he pulls Gray closer to him.

"Yeah," he breathes, pulling Gray in for another kiss. "Years."

"Me too," Gray says against Natsu's lips, and pushes him back into the bed to kiss him some more.


End file.
